How I received over my worry

“The Phantom of the Opera” closes April 16 on Broadway after a surprising 35-year-run. The musical – which follows the titular Phantom and his unrequited love (learn: disturbing obsession) for ingenue opera singer Christine Daaé at a French opera home within the Eighteen Eighties – is understood for its hovering, synth-filled rating, stunning particular results and melancholy drama.

However to me, it was referred to as the right ingredient for nightmares.

There is a scene within the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, for instance, the place Christine appears to be like within the mirror solely to find the Phantom is “there inside,” after which he lures her to his underground lair. Sure, droop your disbelief, and many others. And do not get me began on the masks.

Confronting my ‘Phantom of the Opera’ worry

My dad and mom took two associates and me to see the present for my ninth birthday in June 2001. They hoped seeing it in particular person would assuage my fears (even the industrial terrified me).

Reader, it solely made issues worse.

I could not go to the toilet with out questioning if the masked Phantom was ready for me within the mirror to kidnap me. Each time I received out of the bathe was like a horror film, one bounce scare away from my demise.

A pal of mine in elementary college beloved “Phantom” a lot and I hesitated even spending an excessive amount of time with him for worry of getting too scared. Concern of worry itself, if you’ll.

This panic adopted me into center college, highschool, school. I am undecided why I could not shake it. The music? Lovely. The costumes? Legendary. The story? Problematic, after all, however beside the purpose.

At some point throughout a university break – I consider the summer time, however what does time imply today anyway – I discovered myself residence alone. Not one of the lights had been on in the home and all of a sudden I had an concept: What if I watched “The Phantom of the Opera?”

I notice this appears like some form of unusual torture. Why would I put myself via one thing like that? Actively hunt down my discomfort and sit in it, soak in it?

The reality: A part of me at all times wished to recover from this, one way or the other, and perhaps my unconscious simply waited for a chance. Possibly extra publicity to “Phantom” may lastly assist me take heed to the music with out checking behind my again each few seconds to ensure the Phantom wasn’t hiding someplace.

I placed on the film model starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum. Is that this an ideal adaptation? No, however it hits all the key beats, so to talk. To cite one other musical, one thing “modified inside me” that day. Certain, every part that scared me nonetheless scared me. However one thing else occurred. I … appreciated it. I beloved it. I noticed the Phantom’s ache, Christine’s inside battle and marveled on the music. My fears evaporated barely. Possibly this labored in any case.

‘The Phantom of the Opera’ and queerness

Is it price unpacking what scared me within the first place?

If I had been to slide on my remedy goggles – I’ve a grasp’s diploma in writing, not psychology, to be further clear – perhaps the Phantom scared me as a result of I checked out a model of myself within the mirror. A queer allegory: Somebody ashamed of who he was, somebody who’d somewhat lurk within the shadows and pine for a life as a substitute of residing the one he had. Somebody who knew, sometime, he’d need to confront his sexuality and cross via a metaphorical mirror into the unknown.

Or I am digging too laborious and the entire hiding in mirrors and masks factor contributed to the majority of the worry. Let’s name it slightly little bit of each, we could?

Now, I am nonetheless slightly scared. However I watch this twenty fifth anniversary manufacturing of the present each few months and let myself take within the music, the majesty, the mayhem – and I solely really feel, like, 10% scared in my rest room instantly after watching. I let myself hear the phrases of “The Music of The Night time”: